Unmitigated Disasters
by sinemoras09
Summary: Yato tries to help Kazuma. It doesn't work. Gen. Crack. One-sided Kazuma/Bishamon. No spoilers.


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1.

Summertime. The twins and the younger shinki were playing volleyball at the beach; Kuraha was in his lion form jumping in and out of the water while Aiha and Kinuha were comparing bikinis.

Kazuma peered behind a stand and took a breath, debating.

It was now or never. He'd been training for this moment for months, and while normally he went out to these beach outings grudgingly, the only shinki still insisting on wearing his uniform instead of swimwear, he spent the cold winter months trying to get in shape, ducking in and out of gyms and forcing himself to do a string of suicide runs and kettleballs.

 _This time, Veena will notice me._ Kazuma fingered the hem of his shirt, hesitating. There was the sound of seagulls crying above them. The waves lapped serenely against the beach, and the young ones crowded around Yukine and Yato and begged them to join their volleyball game. _Now or never._ Kazuma chanted silently in his head, then quickly pulled his shirt off. He glanced furtively behind him, then took a few hesitant steps toward the shore.

"HOLY CRAP, KAZUMA!" Yato dropped the volleyball and jogged toward him. "Whoa! Have you been working out?!"

Kazuma threw a quick glance at Veena, who was chatting with Kofuku-san and Iki Hiyori. Yato ran up to him and grabbed his arm.

"Y-Yato-"

"Make a muscle, I wanna see!"

"Yato let me go!"

"Yatogami," Bishamon said. She walked over to them, frowning. "What do you think you're doing to my exemplar?"

Kazuma blanched. Yato smacked Kazuma on the back and grinned broadly.

"I was just checkin' out Kazuma's guns!" Yato said, triumphantly. "Kazuma, make a muscle! Show the skank your arms."

Bishamon stared at them, bewildered, as Kazuma yanked his arm away, blushing furiously. Yato slung his arm over Kazuma's shoulder.

"Looks like your Kazuma's been working out!" Yato said. "Check out his abs, Bishamon! They're so tight you could bounce five yen off of them!"

Bishamon rolled her eyes. "My Kazuma looks the same as always, Yato. And I would appreciate it if you stop harassing my exemplar."

"I-" Kazuma deflated. "...I look the same?"

("What's going on?" Hiyori said to Yukine. Yukine shrugged.

"Kazuma-san got buff but only Yato's noticed.")

"Are you blind?!" Yato said. "Kazuma's so ripped you could slap a piece of tape on him!"

"Do not listen to him, Kazuma," Bishamon said, as Kazuma miserably pulled back on his shirt.

"You are fine the way you are."

xXx

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2.

"You know what your problem is, Kazuma? The skank doesn't see you as a man, she looks at you and sees her pretty little earring! You can get toned and buff all ya want, but it doesn't count for crap if you can't even defend yourself!"

Kazuma rubbed his head and sighed, exasperated. "First of all, Yato, that is a low blow, as I cannot help my vessel form," Kazuma said. "Second of all, I am perfectly capable of defending myself."

Yato snorted. "Yeah right, Kazuma. How many times have you been kidnapped so far? Three?"

Kazuma's eyes narrowed. "I am not going to dignify that with a response."

Yato counted on his fingers. "Well there was that time ya got kidnapped by Kugaha," Yato said.

"As did Iki Hiyori, and I don't see you badgering her," Kazuma said.

"Because she's a human, Kazuma! And that's besides the point, she's only been kidnapped once."

"Hm."

"And then there was the time ya got your ass handed to you by the heaven's guard," Yato said.

"I was looking for Veena, Yato. And as you well know I couldn't resist arrest, it would only make things worse," Kazuma said.

"Well what about that time ya got snatched by Izanami?" Yato said. Kazuma sighed, exasperated. "HA!" Yato said. He held up his fingers. "Three times, Kazuma! Or maybe four when you count being tortured by those hafuri."

"I was an earring!" Kazuma snapped. "And those hafuri were of a higher level than me, not to mention it took place while I was already being detained."

Yato snickered. Kazuma glared.

"Look, just lemme help you," Yato said. "You want Bishamon to respect you, right?"

Kazuma crossed his arms. "Veena respects me just fine," Kazuma said.

Yato snorted. "You know what's not sexy, Kazuma? Denial. You know what else isn't sexy, Kazuma? Getting kidnapped friggin' three times."

"Ugh."

"Look! It won't be so bad! I'll just teach you a few self-defense moves...you can still throw your lines and cast your spells or whatever, but in case it doesn't work, you'll have something else as a backup. Sound good?"

Kazuma sighed and rubbed his neck. "I don't have much choice in this, do I?" Kazuma said. Yato clapped him on the shoulder.

xXx

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"What on earth are they doing?" Bishamon said.

She was standing by the window, looking out into the courtyard. The Yatogami and Kazuma were practicing...grappling holds? Judo? Some sort of watered-down sumo wrestling? Kuraha's tail swished. " _I believe they are sparring, Ojou_ ," Kuraha said. She frowned and closed the curtain.

"Ow, ow, OW! Yato!" Kazuma wriggled but Yato shoved him into the pavement. "Yato you're hurting my arm!"

"Dammit, Kazuma, I told ya already! Use me as a fulcrum! A _fulcrum._ "

"Yatogami," Bishamon said. Kazuma yelped and Yato dropped him on the ground. "What are you doing to my exemplar?"

"I was teachin' him some moves!" Yato said, while Kazuma groaned underfoot. Yato nudged his boot against his ribs. "I figured this guy is mostly useless to ya in human form, he should probably know how to defend himself."

"That's fine, but Kazuma, why on earth are you training with the Yatogami? Quite frankly I'm a little offended. Your master is the strongest war god, after all. If you wanted to learn self-defense, I would have expected you to ask me."

"I did not want to bother you." Kazuma stood. "Furthermore, Veena, this was Yato's idea. But I'm starting to believe it was only an excuse to torture me."

"Oi! Have a little respect, Kazuma! I can't help it if you suck!" Yato said.

"Hm." Bishamon crossed her arms. "This is highly inefficient," Bishamon said. "I appreciate the sentiment, Yato, but your techniques are severely lacking. Kazuma. If you are interested in learning self-defense, I will teach you myself. The Yatogami's methods are less than desirable."

"You...what?" Kazuma said. Yato grinned at him and nudged him in the ribs.

"Meet me in the courtyard, after our patrol. I'll show you how to do those grappling holds properly."

"Veena, that really isn't necessary," Kazuma began, but Yato elbowed him hard in the ribs. "Um-"

"Don't be embarrassed, Kazuma!" Yato said. "Let your master teach ya!"

"Yato I don't see why-"

Another hard elbow against Kazuma's ribs, Yato shooting him a look. Bishamon raised an eyebrow.

"Um," Kazuma said. "If you truly think I need it, Veena."

"I don't. But there is no harm in learning, is there?" Bishamon said. She smiled at him benevolently.

xXx

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"Do you think this is funny?!" Kazuma said.

He was standing over Yato, a coil of anger and righteous fury, while Yato sat against a wall and sipped a beer. "Humiliating me in front of Veena! Suggesting I don't have the ability to take care of myself-"

Yato took a slow drink from his beer, placidly sitting while Kazuma kept yelling. "It was all I could do to hide my embarrassment! I cannot believe I let you talk me into making a fool of myself in the middle of the courtyard!"

"She's gonna be practicing grappling holds with ya tonight, right Kazuma?"

Kazuma stopped. "What?"

Yato took another long sip of his beer. "Grappling holds," Yato said. "A one-on-one demonstration. Tonight."

Kazuma blinked. Yato grinned.

"See, Kazuma," Yato said, standing. "There's lotsa ways a god can grant a wish. It's not all just awesome fight moves and culling phantoms. Sometimes there's cunning and planning, too."

"What on earth are you talking about?" Kazuma said.

"I mean, I didn't think the skank would actually see us, so that was kinda my bad, but-"

"Yato answer the question!" Kazuma said. Yato's grin widened.

"Lemme paint you a picture," Yato said, spreading his hands. "Picture it: midnight. The two of you, alone. Her hands on your body since you suck at grappling holds-"

"I-" Kazuma blinked again, then shook his head. "That is besides the point," Kazuma said.

"How is that besides the point? I'm turnin' lemons into lemonade, Kazuma! I'm giving you a window!"

"You're telling me to molest my master. I doubt very much Veena would appreciate that," Kazuma said.

"Uh, hate to break it to ya, Kazuma, but Bishamon ain't the one who's gonna get molested."

"Dammit, Yato-"

"Kazuma?" Bishamon said. Yato and Kazuma turned. "Are you ready?"

"Not particularly," Kazuma said. Yato pushed him forward.

xXx

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"Holy crap, Kazuma! What happened?" Yato said. He came upon a beaten and battered Kazuma, who was sporting a multitude of cuts and bruises and nursing a dislocated shoulder.

"Er, well, Veena was serious about training me."

"I can see that," Yato said, frowning. Kazuma sagged and rubbed his hand against his shoulder.

xXx

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3.

"Yato this isn't going to work," Kazuma said.

He was standing behind Yato, crossing his arms and frowning while Yato was depositing coin after coin into the claw prize machine. "First of all, those prizes are too tightly packed. Assuming that claw is even generating the necessary grip strength to pick them up, there is no feasible way for the prongs to slip around them."

"Oi Kazuma, why you always gotta be underestimating me? Dontcha know how long I've been a god?"

"Yato I'm telling you that game is rigged," Kazuma said. "You'd be much better off just purchasing that stuffed animal from the store."

"I got it!" Yato said. The claw wiggled. "I got it, it's almost th- DAMMIT!" Yato said, as the prongs slipped over the bear and the claw arm moved upwards. "I don't have anymore coins! What am I gonna get Hiyori now?"

Kazuma sighed and pushed up his glasses. "I told you it was rigged," Kazuma said. Yato stomped his foot.

"Dammit, Kazuma! You're not helping!"

"But why do you have to get Iki-san anything? It isn't her birthday or any other human holiday that I'm aware of. And furthermore she isn't expecting anything in the first place."

"Because it's romantic Kazuma! And what the hell, no wonder you can't get the skank, seeing your idea of romance."

Kazuma sputtered. Yato grinned at him. "Yo. You guys went to Capyperland, right?"

"We did," Kazuma said. "What does that have to do with-"

"And didja play any games?"

Kazuma sighed. "Yato, I hardly see the poi-"

"Just answer the question, Kazuma, did ya?" Yato said. Kazuma frowned.

"We did," Kazuma said. "One of those shooting gallery games outside the main theme park."

"And? Didja win her a prize?"

"What?" Kazuma said. Yato laughed.

"You didn't, did ya?!"

"It- I- she was getting frustrated!" Kazuma said. "I didn't want to embarrass her."

"Ha ha, Kazuma, you dumbass! You coulda totally scored some points there but ya blew it!" Yato said. Kazuma moaned.

"Don't worry, Kazuma!" Yato said, and he slapped Kazuma on the back. "You're with the Yatogami tonight! Let's hang around the boardwalk and win the skank some prizes." Kazuma watched as Yato sauntered in front of him.

"This is just a ploy to get me to buy you more games, isn't it?" Kazuma said, but he still followed after.

xXx

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As it turned out, Kazuma was very well-equipped at winning carnival prizes, so much so that Yato enlisted him to win prizes for him.

"Get the pink one! The pink one! No not _that_ one! The pink one!"

Yato had his hands pressed against the glass while Kazuma sighed and readjusted the claw. Above them, Kuraha's lion form leaped gracefully over the park; Bishamon guided him toward Yato and Kazuma, landing softly behind them.

"Kazuma. What are you doing?" Bishamon said. She slid off Kuraha's back and peered behind them, curiously.

"Oh, Veena. I'm trying to win Yato this stuffed animal," Kazuma said. Bishamon raised an eyebrow.

"Don't drop it, don't drop it!" Yato said, but Kazuma deftly maneuvered the claw over the chute, dropping the bear into the deposit box with machine-like precision.

"YES!" Yato said, and he grabbed the bear and hugged it.

Bishamon frowned.

xXx

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4.

"Listen here, Yatogami. There is something I've been meaning to say to you."

Yato fidgeted. Bishamon was sitting at her desk in front of the window, and the light from outside was bright, practically blinding him. "This isn't easy," Bishamon said, "But it is something that needs to be said.

"It's about Kazuma," Bishamon said.

"Eh?" Yato said.

"I know you've been spending time with him. So I just wanted to say, I'm happy for him." She paused. "For both of you."

Yato frowned. "What are you saying?" Yato said.

"I'm saying, I'm happy that Kazuma has someone whom he can confide in." A pause. "And that he won't have to be lonely anymore."

"HAH?!" Yato said. "You stupid skank, what the heck are you talking about?!"

"I know about you and Kazuma," Bishamon said. "And while I do question his choice in lovers, I wanted to tell you that I approve."

"Kazuma and I are not a couple! Are you stupid or something, Bishamon?!"

"You don't have to hide it, Yatogami," Bishamon said. "You've been appreciating his body and making excuses to get more physical with him."

Yato sputtered. Bishamon held up a hand.

"It is all right," Bishamon said, and she rose, walking toward him. "Through all the years and all the centuries, my Kazuma has been steadfast in his loyalty to you. I want you to know that it's okay for his love to be reciprocated. But know this, Yatogami."

She stepped closer.

"You break his heart, I break your face. Are we clear?" Bishamon said. Yato shouted.

"You stupid skank! Kazuma loves _you_ , not me!" Yato said. Bishamon's eyes narrowed.

" _Are we clear?_ " Bishamon said, and her godly aura flared like flames. A drop of sweat formed on Yato's temple.

"Uh, crystal."


End file.
